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7 unselfish ways to put yourself first

It’s February, also known as the examples of post-worthy occasions. every second of the past four days
month that is quintessentially cupid But would these same folks also post with them, I knew they would be
and all things red and pink. about their divorce or unemploy- upset if I didn’t go with them to this
And that generally means we’ll ment? It’s debatable. But if your one outing. Even when I don’t do any-
fall in one of three categories: We’re friend did, it would provide a dose of thing wrong, I’m worried my parents
giddy about the romance and choco- reality...and reality is often what's will be upset if I don’t do something
lates we’re set to receive, we’re a bit lost on social media. Muting is the exactly how they wanted it. But I
salty because we’re not anticipating easiest and most efficient way to cut don’t even know how not to feel that
anything, or we simply don’t care ei- through social media noise without way.” Kate is not alone. The first step
ther way. birthdays—occasions that arrive at severing social ties or ruffling any in this conundrum is defining guilt,
But here’s a novel concept we all the same time every year, yet many feathers. and the second step is to determine
just might agree on: Why don’t we be- of us remain unprepared for. which type of guilt is at play. The
come our own valentines by practic- 5. Set boundaries function of healthy guilt is to inform
ing self-care—in general—instead? 3. Voicing discontent “Boundaries will set you free,” us of when we act in a way that’s not
Okay, true: Self-care has been Voicing discontent is just a fancy says Nedra Glover Tawwab, a li- in accordance with our values. (Say,
something of a buzzword recently. way of saying Speak up! One place censed counselor and sought-after for example, you jokingly insult a
But it's important, nonetheless, be- where people often remain quiet but relationship expert whose book, Set friend, and it comes off as unusually
cause it means taking care of your- shouldn't, particularly when some- Boundaries, Find Peace, was an in- sharp. You realize this—after the
self. thing's unsatisfactory, is in a restau- stant New York Times bestseller. fact—and your guilt leads you to
Not in a selfish "To heck with rant. You deserve a pleasurable During her fourteen years of prac- apologize and check your behavior.)
everyone; I'm only out for me"-kind- dining experience. Period. “A lot of tice, Tawwab has learned that people But there’s another type of guilt, an
of-way; but rather in a "I realize that customers don’t like to complain,” don’t come to therapy realizing they unhealthy kind that is used as a tool
my own peacefulness and well-being said Doug Brown, author of The have boundary issues. Rather, she of control—even when it has nothing
is necessary so that I can be my best Restaurant Manager's Handbook: says, their boundary issues are dis- to do with our values. That’s the one
self"-kind-of-way. How to Set Up, Operate, and Manage guised as issues with self-care, con- Kate is dealing with. In Kate’s case,
And here are seven ways to do a Financially Successful Food Serv- flicts with other people, trouble with many would likely agree that there’s
just that: ice Operation, which is in its fourth time management, or concerns nothing morally wrong with an adult
printing and is currently available on about how social media impacts who chooses to opt out of a coffee
1. Eat a well-balanced diet Amazon. And Brown thinks that’s a their emotional state. However, says run with her parents—despite loving
When we’re exhausted—and shame. “A lot of people will just not Tawwab, “Once they finish their tales her parents and being genuinely
starving, it’s easy to resort to what- come back [to a restaurant] and of resentment, unhappiness, feeling happy to see them. Jenny Layton, a
ever is handy: snack foods loaded never say why.” Well-run restaurants overwhelmed, and codependency, I life coach and creator of The Happy
with sugar, and, worse yet, washing welcome constructive complaints. say to them gently, ‘You have an issue Gal blog, believes that carrying
it down with soda or something else And the best way to help them—and with boundaries.’” We all know we around unnecessary guilt is the com-
that’s equally sugary. Basically, the yourself, when you’re sitting there should have boundaries. After all, we plete antithesis of self-care—and that
more tired or stressed we are, the with the rockfish, but you ordered need them to achieve work/life bal- putting down said guilt is but one pit-
more we tend to make unwise di- the salmon—is to speak up right ance, cope with toxic people, and stop on the journey to our well-being.
etary decisions. And, of course, the away. Be kind and mind your man- enjoy rewarding relationships. Creat- “You won’t resent things down the
problem is that we need high quality ners, of course. The food industry ing healthy boundaries leads to feel- road. You’ll find happiness in the
food to perform well—no matter has been hit especially hard of late, ing safe, loved, calm, and respected now, and peace in the years to come.”
what we’re doing. Paying attention to and the last thing a food server de- because they dictate how we allow
what we’re eating and consciously serves is unnecessary rudeness. people to show up for us—and how 7. Do what gives you joy
making better snack and meal we show up for others. But here’s Maybe you work 10-hour days.
choices sets our sails in the right di- 4. Muting friends' accounts on so- the kicker: People don’t know what Maybe you have work life and parent-
rection. We’re not striving for perfec- cial media that trigger the compar- we want. It’s our job to make it clear. hood on your plate. Maybe you’re the
tion, here. Just progress. ison game And expressing that clarity saves re- primary caregiver of your aging par-
Now, actively choosing not to see lationships. ent or relative. And maybe you’re re-
2. Making a budget and planning a friend’s social media posts is some- tired and don’t have any of the
for financial wellness thing many of us are loathe to do, 6. Get real about the source of aforementioned obligations. Regard-
While it’s not always easy—or fun, but it can bring surprising relief. your guilt less of who you are or what you do,
for that matter, making a budget and And that’s because there is a likeli- Here’s the story of Kate, a 25- you deserve happiness. Taking a
following it are two extremely benefi- hood that we won’t even miss said year-old graphic designer who lives breather, as they say, avoids burnout
cial financial habits. Not only does posts in their absence. We all have three states over from her parents. and enables you to show up as the
creating a budget help keep our indi- certain triggers that can cause our During her parents’ last visit, Kate best version of yourself. Whether it’s
vidual—or family’s—finances in confidence to take a nosedive—and reached an epiphany: She had been taking 20 minutes out of your day to
order, but it also allows us to put social media can be rife with them trained to feel guilty. It all started enjoy a walk, read a book, or turn off
cash away for rainy days and emer- because people are constantly show- when Kate decided she wasn’t going your phone and do absolutely noth-
gencies. And here's a bonus: Budget- casing the best aspects of their lives. to grab coffee with her parents on ing at all, do it. And do it regularly.
ing also helps us save for special A beautiful (and costly!) wedding or the fifth morning of her parents’ stay. Because, as the saying goes: You
occasions such as Christmas or a shiny new promotion are just two Says Kate, “Even though I’d spent can’t pour from an empty cup.

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10 · February 2022 · The Wayne Dispatch